“Good enough” is the safest and most profound way of being that we can embrace relationships as humans. Yet, it often feels like the most unimaginable, mid-level “meh” in a world that constantly presents the “right way,” the “wrong way,” and the “perfect way.” The truth is, ALL relationships—whether between friends, parents and children, or intimate partners—naturally follow the “good enough” rule-of-thirds approach.
Many of us feel like bad parents, partners, or friends when faced with the latest parenting, partnership, or dating advice, tips, or hacks from gurus and influencers. The fact that we’ve strayed so far from trusting our own intuition is worth further investigation, as it leaves us vulnerable to feeling like we can’t possibly manage on our own.
To heal the plague of perfectionism in relationships, we need to understand the concept of the “good enough mother” and apply it to various kinds of relationships—whether with children, partners, colleagues, or others. Popularized by Donald Winnicott in the 1970s, the “good enough mother” emphasizes that mothers (and caregivers) should strive to be good enough—not perfect, nor neglectful. Incidentally, Winnicott’s wife, also a clinician, contributed to the research and understanding of this concept. In simple terms, it suggests that parents should not aim to be perfect because the anxiety surrounding this futile pursuit is as detrimental to children as neglect is.
The “rule of thirds” was derived from the good enough mother concept by Edward Tronick in 2007. It suggests that in any child-parent relationship, we experience the following:
- 1/3 in sync (attuned)
- 1/3 out of sync (misattuned)
- 1/3 working to get back in sync (repair)
This rule can be applied to all relationships. We naturally experience periods of being out of sync in our relationships. Honoring these moments will make the times of being in sync even sweeter, and feel less obliged to sever relationships prematurely. Recognizing that this ebb and flow is a natural part of relationships can bring relief and help suspend judgment during adverse times.
Take a moment to audit your relationships, and allow all three “thirds” to exist. Hopefully, this brings a sense of peace and understanding about the natural flow of relationships—whether in intimate partnerships like family or romantic relationships, or in friendships and peer interactions.
PS. Incidentally the “rule of thirds” in photography is a compositional guideline where you mentally divide your image into nine equal parts using two horizontal and two vertical lines, and place key elements along these lines or at their intersections for a more visually balanced and engaging shot.
It is also a lovely restaurant in Brooklyn.
Mindmarrow Counseling, PLLC 