Independence Training 101

7 Tips For Parents

All children and adolescents live daily without fully functioning executive function areas of the brain—the prefrontal cortex fully develops around age 25, unless there are underlying brain processing issues. Between birth and that time, there is a long skill-building period where we train our brains through experiences. It is through experience alone (not lectures, books, TikTok stories, or even social-emotional lessons in schools) that we learn and acquire executive functioning skills. As caregivers, our job is to shepherd (not architect) our children to becoming independent, confident humans who know how to live in community with others and do the mundane tasks of life, which make up almost 80% of life.

There are millions of parenting books, influencers, and pieces of ‘advice’ that cause both new and experienced parents to feel numb and inept. I truly believe that if you can remove the idea of the ‘perfect parent’ and instead be the ‘good enough’ parent, you’ll get an A+. As a licensed professional, I see a lot of different modalities come and go in popularity. I also know that some kids have unique challenges that require parents to have coaching and strategies.

Here are the top 7 tips to foster independence, regardless of age or stage, that will help you raise a confident, independent human:

Create opportunities for various independent experiences. Use your judgment regarding age, and please, please, please lean into the idea of free-range parenting—allow your child to go to the milk aisle on their own as soon as you can with a playful game of grocery store bingo (6-8 years old works!). Going outside to ride bikes, walk the dog, get the mail, make dinner for themselves or others, or walk home from school are great opportunities to build confidence. New drivers can run errands, drive younger siblings when allowed by law (usually 6 months after obtaining their initial license), drop something off at a relative’s house, etc.”
Be demanding and supportive. Hold high standards, but allow for mistakes and natural consequences; otherwise, children will not learn from the experience. If a child refuses to get out of bed for school despite the accommodations you’ve made (e.g., dressing in school clothes the night before, creating visual prompts for when things need to get done), then the child misses school. Make sure the home has all electronics locked up so that the ensuing day at home is extremely boring.
Make unstructured play a priority. Unstructured play is anything that does not involve rules, tasks, chores, or screens. Leaving library books, puzzles, coloring materials, journals, sticky notes, and so on for your child to explore can be an option if they can’t go outside to play due to weather.
Reduce verbal prompts. Set expectations for your children in a visual format somewhere in the house so it’s clear what household expectations are, whether around chores or behaviors (please keep the list clear and not too long). Verbal prompts increase opportunities for refusal or saying “no,” which is a typical feature of some conditions such as ADHD, PDA, and highly anxious kids. I frequently tell parents of children with ADHD and anxiety to speak 85% less—it’s an extremely successful and easy adjustment.
Remove the screens. Be strict about this, especially when children are under the age of 16. I hear a lot of “But I listen to music,” “I like hearing audiobooks,” or “I meet friends in my game and socialize.” No-screen experiences will build executive functioning skills, particularly social skills, so yes, be the bummer and remove the screens. Nature does not like a void, so replace screen time with unstructured play.
Remember, you are not your child’s partner in parenting; you are the unfortunate purveyor of disappointment and the always loving, always-there human. While it’s really important to model flexibility through some semblance of negotiation, the structure you create for your child must be predictable and routine. While it might feel too strict to them, they will thank you in the long run.

Your child has their own unique voice and song, and we, as parents, are only here to provide them with a foundation to fly. Parenting is the hardest thing you’ve signed up for in your life—I totally understand. You will make mistakes, you will yell, you will feel conflicted often, but you will also give them unconditional love and support throughout their lives. Remember, teaching our kids the skills to be independent is our most important job. If your children give you pushback, remind them that they will thank you when they are successful members of society, with rewarding relationships and, hopefully, careers in a few short years!”

Artist image is by Luka Khabelashvili